• Michelle Partington

My head is in a spin

So I couldn't write this yesterday evening as I had a terrible headache. I collapsed on the sofa and stayed there!! I find myself on the sofa again this morning looking out of my window and it's pouring down outside, doggies are snoring and I'm just here feeling down for no particular reason...still feeling my dream and flitting back to it intermittently throughout the day.

I watched the news last night and the first item was covering the memorial of Alan Henning who was brutally murdered by ISIS . The very next news item featured the release of the teacher David Bolam from Libya....is it just me or was that a tad insensitive? It is news I guess and great news for David's family but a massive kick in the teeth for the Hennings family, so tragic. It just shows the difference in terrorist organisations I guess, so unpredictable but all horrible.

On a separate note I received a message today from SSAFA following my email to them stating how disappointed I was after receiving their letter and that I desperately needed their help. Apparently they left 2 messages on my answer machine....for those who know me you will know I am never separated from my phone (even in the bathroom)!! Even if I don't pick up a call I always listen to any messages and return when I feel able. Why on earth would I not reply to someone who is 'providing a service' I so desperately needed.

It's really difficult to explain what is happening to me which is why I expected support from the people who are supposed to be there to help me. I was hoping they would understand my illness but it is becoming evident that this is not necessarily the case. Apart from my current GP who has been so supportive, I feel totally let down; even my GP gets frustrated and I can't blame him. If the medical system understood then they wouldn't expect me to have to travel 2-5 hours to attend a counselling session to then do the journey back safely. Those who have been through therapy of any kind can appreciate that it is mentally draining and also difficult to switch off and come down from. To then be expected to drive or travel a great distance, whilst also trying not to have a panic attack is irresponsible.

I feel so isolated right now, if the very people who are meant to support me through this illness don't understand then how on earth can I expect my friends and family to? I m sorry but there is no support for them either and sadly I have lost a few friends and a fiance because of the way I am just now.

I am very lucky that for today at least, my head is in a good place to still think sensibly because when that dark cloud surrounds you it's very easy to let it consume you....

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