Bucket Full of Emotion
Finally on the bus back from this week's comedy workshop!! Hate the journey there and back but love the bit in between! Seriously someone has just belched behind me!! It was really loud and I'm still giggling, how childish of me!!
Struggled waiting for my bus home tonight as there seemed to be people coming from all directions. To try and explain how I felt imagine someone just pressed the pause button but only you stood still at a busy bus depot in a major city. Everyone is still rushing past you, you try to move because you think they are going to bump right into you but you can't move. You just hold your breath and close your eyes hoping they will brush past missing you! That's how it felt just then. Thankfully I'm safely on the bus now but check out how blooming rough I look!!!!
Today I received a call to say my medical board has been approved and I'm now out of the RAF. Not sure how I feel, a little relieved, angry and sad all at the same time. I'm relieved because I will never have to pick up another weapon and have to shoot in anger again. I will never have to try not to be sick as our chinook tactically flies in and out of 'hot zones' to pick up the wounded again. I should never have to witness mutilated bodies, injured soldiers asking me not to let them die whilst gripping my hand, or have to be subjected to angry Afghans who may want to punch me in the face again!!
I am angry because I gave 20 years of my life building up an amazing career, one in which I was extremely ambitious, to have it end so dramatically. I'm angry because of the lack of understanding towards PTSD and the general management of such a condition. I do have to say however that the one positive constant throughout all the management of me was my GP. He gave so much time and energy towards helping me. Throughout the medical world and I guess in my recent experience, the service in general, it has become less and less about the individual which brings me on to what saddens me.
I am sad due to the loss of my career in the RAF, and in the loss if my lifelong ambition to be a clinician. I am saddened because the 'system' has become so impersonal and has less and less time to spend on an individual. I am saddened by the loss of who I once was and I am unsure if I will ever get that back. I am grieving because I have lost my career and who I once was.
I now have to learn to accept what is here and now and try to accept who I am and move forward. That will take some time for sure....